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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Acknowledgements
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1
Major Forgiveness Obstacles
- There Is No Clear, Universally Accepted Definition of Forgiving
- Dictionary Definitions of Forgiving Are Not Helpful
- Many Need a Reminder That Forgiving Is for Them – Not Their Offender
- The Head-Heart Dilemma
- Routine and Simplistic Advice to “Just Forgive” Is Often Harmful
- Religious and Family Baggage
- A Misused, Overused, or Ruined Word for Many
- A Double Standard for Women
- Impossible Litmus Tests of “True” Forgiveness
- What about Justice and Accountability?
Chapter 2
Six
Common Reasons to Set Aside or Forget Forgiving - at Least Temporarily
- Troubling Feelings Such as Anger, Hatred, and Rage Are Overwhelming You
- Painful Memories, Vindictive Urges, or Arguments Are Upsetting You
- You Were Hurt Quite Recently and Your Inner Peace Has Been Shattered
- A Significant Change or Transition in Your Life Is Pending or Underway
- Fatigue – Mental, Emotional, Physical, or Spiritual– Has Drained You
- Religious Beliefs and Old Expectations Are Getting in the Way
Chapter 3
Eight Common Reasons to Set Aside or Forget Forgiving - Perhaps Permanently
- Abuse or Neglect Has Made Forgiving Impossible
- You or Someone Close to You Has Been Victimized by Crime
- An Accident, Negligence, or Wrongful Behavior Has Resulted in a Major Loss
- You Have Been Harmed by Religious Rigidity and Ignorance
- Your Sexual Orientation Has Resulted in You Being Hurt
- You Have Been Victimized by Racism
- Betrayal of a Serious Nature Has Left You Devastated
- Religious Help or Professional Therapy Hasn’t Enabled You to Forgive
Chapter 4
Healthy Alternatives to Forgiving: What They Are and Why They Work So Well
- Some of the Healthy Alternatives to Forgiving
- No Religious or Personal Baggage
- The Focus Is on You and on Your Needs – Not on Your Offender
- Activate as Often as Needed to Manage or Alleviate Painful Memories
- Positive Thoughts and Warm Feelings Are Not Required
- Since You Suffered the Hurt, You Get to Decide How to Heal
Chapter 5
Preparing to Heal and Move Forward with Your Life
- Healing Is a Process – Not an Event
- An Overview of the Healing Process
- What to Expect Along the Way
- Activating Your Seven Intrapersonal Allies
- Doing a Hurt-Healing Cost Analysis
- Setting Your Intention to Heal and Move Forward with Your Life
Chapter 6
Healing, Moving on, and Being Happy Again
- What It Means to Heal, Move on, and Be Happy Again
- From “Why Me?” to “How Can I Begin to Heal and Move Forward?”
- Accessing and Activating Your Healthy Adult Power
- Accepting Yourself—Especially When You are Feeling Upset
- More on the Healing and Liberating Power of Acceptance
- Refuting Powerlessness, Relinquishing Pain, Reclaiming Possibilities
- A New Reference Point from Which to Reorient and Recreate Your Life
- Stopping the Orbit around Your Offender and Starting One around You
- Staying In Present Time and Living Fully and Freely Today
- Safeguarding Your Inner Peace and Happiness
Chapter 7
How to Make Peace with the Past When You Can’t – or Won’t – Forgive Yourself
- Why Did I Do What I Did?
- Common Reasons Why So Many of Us Can’t Seem to Forgive Ourselves
- Distinguishing Between Shame and Remorse
- The Can’t-Win Shame Game
- From Debilitating Shame to Healing Remorse
- Making Peace with the Past
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